Thursday, May 20, 2010

The hole

Life without Keith pretty much stinks. He is without a doubt the most loving and supportive person, and I am trying to get by now without my rock. My husband loves me unconditionally. He really does. I never imagined meeting someone who loves me as much as he does, I guess I thought love like this only existed in fairy tales an sappy romance movies. Its an amazing feeling to have this person, who was basically a stranger 4+ years ago, think of me in such a positive light. And the amazing part is how much I reciprocate. When Keith isn't here its always tough. He has had to go away a lot because of training or schools, so we get used to him being gone. Deployments are different though. It feels so different. Maybe its knowing that he is halfway across the world, or maybe its because I know he is being put in harms way. It is probably a combination of both. I have this empty feeling in my chest. This hole. Its something that truthfully I think only a military wife will ever understand. I know plenty of people that have to spend months apart from their spouse for business reasons, but I can assure you that is different. I never had this empty feeling when Keith left for a training mission. I missed him, yes, but that emptiness didn't exist. I guess that is a feeling reserved especially for deployments.

Sorry if it seems like I am beating a dead horse. I tend to find when Keith is deployed people trying to liken their situation to mine. "Oh my husband traveled all of the time, so I know what you are going through". To which my snotty side wants to reply "oh so the Taliban was trying to blow up your husband while he was sleeping/driving/eating too?". I know the snide comments will not get me far so I usually swallow them down. I really think I should wear a shirt though, for at least the first week or two, that says "My husband just deployed". That way people would understand when I start crying for no reason or why I am a little snippy with my children. I am not trying to be, I am just trying to cope with everything.

Last night Cavan and I had a mini cry fest together. He came out of his bedroom with his eyes filled with tears. He said "I miss Daddy! He's not here to nuggle me. I'm so lonely." Keith always puts Cav to bed. That is his special time with Daddy alone. They lay down together and watch a movie of Cav's choice. I hugged Cav tightly and started to tear up. I asked him if he wanted to stay in my room instead. He shook his head and ran into my room. He slept in Keith's spot last night. It helped make that king sized bed seem a lot less large and it helped Cav feel less lonely.

Thank you Mad and Linds for commenting on my really sad post. And Mad, thank you so much for offering to come stay with us last night. You are really a wonderful person and a fabulous friend. I apologize that these posts are going to be kind of depressing for a bit. I promise it will get better soon. The boys and I are headed to FL tomorrow. Our flight leaves in the afternoon. I am looking forward to getting to my parents house. Its full of people and distractions. I need to get away from all of Keith's stuff. Seeing his clothes in the closet, his hat on the banister, shorts in the laundry, is enough to make me lose my composure. Wish me luck, flying with a preschooler and a toddler is always an adventure.

And I am going to close with a few pictures that I just uploaded from my recently broken camera. :) Enjoy.

1 comment:

  1. Cait, this post is such a beautiful commentary on your relationship with Keith. You two are such an amazing couple. I am so sorry that your family is going through such a hard time right now of having Keith overseas. We are praying for his safe return! Please give Cavan big hugs for me and a big hug for yourself too. It is incredible the sacrifices your family has made to keep us safe here in America and I am so grateful to you all for that. Please know that you have all our love and support!! Love you so much and praying and hoping that this summer goes by quickly and of course for Keith's quick return. XOXOXO Love you lots, Madeleine